I'm not sure if the distance is temporary or permanent. How do I get out of this relationship limbo?
[post_ads]Certain things in life are unavoidable — taxes, Pap smears, narcissistic Kanye rants — and if you're in an LDR, add "creating a relationship timeline" to the list. Because no one wants to be in a relationship with a big flashing question mark at the end. "You need to set a time limit on how long you're willing to be apart," says Wendy Walsh, PhD, a relationship expert in New York. Research shows a long-distance relationship has a better chance of working if there is an end date in sight, so work with your man to come up with a date after which one of you will start sending out résumés and house hunting in the other's city. "Successful people make plans for what they want to achieve, and a relationship plan is no different," says Walsh. If you want this to work, Lean In to your LDR like it's the last chair in the boardroom.
[post_ads]Certain things in life are unavoidable — taxes, Pap smears, narcissistic Kanye rants — and if you're in an LDR, add "creating a relationship timeline" to the list. Because no one wants to be in a relationship with a big flashing question mark at the end. "You need to set a time limit on how long you're willing to be apart," says Wendy Walsh, PhD, a relationship expert in New York. Research shows a long-distance relationship has a better chance of working if there is an end date in sight, so work with your man to come up with a date after which one of you will start sending out résumés and house hunting in the other's city. "Successful people make plans for what they want to achieve, and a relationship plan is no different," says Walsh. If you want this to work, Lean In to your LDR like it's the last chair in the boardroom.
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It's becoming financially difficult to see each other. How do we cope with the cost of visits?
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When it comes to investing in an LDR, emotionally and financially, both people should be paying up. Experts agree that LDRs work best between people in similar financial situations so no one feels like the other person should pay for travel, but you can bust that argument wide open by alternating who visits whom or by splitting the bill no matter who hops the plane. Cut back on expensive activities during your visits, and contribute to travel funds in lieu of gifts.
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Q:
[post_ads_2]
When it comes to investing in an LDR, emotionally and financially, both people should be paying up. Experts agree that LDRs work best between people in similar financial situations so no one feels like the other person should pay for travel, but you can bust that argument wide open by alternating who visits whom or by splitting the bill no matter who hops the plane. Cut back on expensive activities during your visits, and contribute to travel funds in lieu of gifts.
[next]
I thought reunion sex was going to be out of this world since we hadn't seen each other in so long, but it was just ... normal. Is that a bad sign?
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In LDRs, reunions are the New Year's of sex: you hype them up so much that they can end up being a letdown. Take off the pressure by treating first-night sex like the opening act, not the main event — remind yourself of the devious deeds you did while apart or deliberately make the first romp a quickie. If you don't see stars, just use that as an excuse to go for round two ... and three.
[next]
Q:
[post_ads_2]
In LDRs, reunions are the New Year's of sex: you hype them up so much that they can end up being a letdown. Take off the pressure by treating first-night sex like the opening act, not the main event — remind yourself of the devious deeds you did while apart or deliberately make the first romp a quickie. If you don't see stars, just use that as an excuse to go for round two ... and three.
[next]
There's no room in his life when I go to visit. He has only single guy friends since I'm not around, and his apartment even feels like a bachelor pad. How do we act like a couple in the middle of his solo dude life?
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If your man is starring in a solo act while he's in another city — i.e., he has only single friends and his pad is so bachelor-y you half-expect to run into Chris Harrison on the way to the bathroom — your saving grace could be coupled friends. You'll feel more secure in the relationship (and he'll have a reminder he's in one) if you guys hang with Mr. and Mrs. Office Buddy when you're in town or plan dates where there are couples present, like a cooking class. You should also establish routines together: a coffee shop you hit up, a TV show you wait till you're together to binge-watch, a monthly trip to Medieval Times (hey, whatever floats your boat). The goal is to get to a point where it feels normal for you to be together in one place. Oh, and why not infiltrate his bromances by throwing a kick-ass party at his place and inviting his friends? Pretty soon, they'll be as excited as he is for your next visit.
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Q:
[post_ads_2]
If your man is starring in a solo act while he's in another city — i.e., he has only single friends and his pad is so bachelor-y you half-expect to run into Chris Harrison on the way to the bathroom — your saving grace could be coupled friends. You'll feel more secure in the relationship (and he'll have a reminder he's in one) if you guys hang with Mr. and Mrs. Office Buddy when you're in town or plan dates where there are couples present, like a cooking class. You should also establish routines together: a coffee shop you hit up, a TV show you wait till you're together to binge-watch, a monthly trip to Medieval Times (hey, whatever floats your boat). The goal is to get to a point where it feels normal for you to be together in one place. Oh, and why not infiltrate his bromances by throwing a kick-ass party at his place and inviting his friends? Pretty soon, they'll be as excited as he is for your next visit.
[next]
This may sound basic, but I miss him so much. I'm always missing him, and it's really hard. How do I cope with that long-term longing?
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The bad news is that missing your man is a standard part of being in an LDR. It would be weird if you didn't miss him. The good news is, there are ways to manage the loneliness. Set up a calendar that counts down to your next reunion. Swipe your favorite souvenirs to keep his presence around, like the sports tee you wore the first night you had an adult sleepover. The important thing is to keep your eye on the prize and remind yourself that the empty 50 percent of your bed is as temporary as a John Mayer engagement.
By Lauren Panariello
This article was originally published as "Long Distance Love Secrets: Make It Work" in the June 2014 issue of Cosmopolitan.
[post_ads_2]
The bad news is that missing your man is a standard part of being in an LDR. It would be weird if you didn't miss him. The good news is, there are ways to manage the loneliness. Set up a calendar that counts down to your next reunion. Swipe your favorite souvenirs to keep his presence around, like the sports tee you wore the first night you had an adult sleepover. The important thing is to keep your eye on the prize and remind yourself that the empty 50 percent of your bed is as temporary as a John Mayer engagement.
By Lauren Panariello
This article was originally published as "Long Distance Love Secrets: Make It Work" in the June 2014 issue of Cosmopolitan.
