Moms Who Regret Having Kids

By The Editorial Team

If a child-free woman changes their mind on the topic, it’s pretty obvious what will happen: she’ll have kids. However, no one really asks what happens if someone who wanted kids realizes they may not have really wanted them in the first place – and even fewer talk about the harsh reality of maternal regret. Here’s what it’s like to regret having kids, and how regretful moms are coping.

There’s A Lot Of “What If?” When this topic came up on Quora, many parents mentioned that they often think of what they could have done with their life if they didn’t have to take care of their children. One anonymous woman who answered on Quora mused, “I could be traveling the world instead of helping her with her homework.”

Depression Is Common. Yet another mom mentions that she was “forced to go on medication to cope with the stress that comes from being a parent. I coped at first, but then I began to quite literally fall apart at the seams.”

There’s Judgement To Fear. Another anonymous poster on the same thread makes no issue when it comes to the huge amount of stigma moms who regret motherhood face. “I have learned to be careful...who I tell. Here, I am anonymous. It won’t matter to the Judges. Mothers are not supposed to not want their children,” she said. She then mentioned that many people blame her for her son’s outbursts, or even insult her straight to her face.

”I Love My Kid, But..." The majority of parents who admit regret with parenthood readily admit that they love their children. It’s just that they hate the tedium that comes with being a parent.

It’s Often Blamed On PPD. While there are definitely some moms out there who may think they regret motherhood due to Post Partum Depression, not all of them are driven to regret due to PPD. Some moms really aren’t happy about being a parent. One anonymous user on British site Mumsnet is adamant about her health. “It is not post-natal depression. I’m not depresed or down. No doubt someone will try to convince me it is, just like unhappy Victorian ladies were labelled as mentally ill when they were desperately unhappy with the lives society gives them.”

”I Thought That’s What Everyone Does.” Both moms and dads often feel like they have been bait and switched. “I read posts like this all the time, where everyone says kids are the greatest thing in their world, and I believed them,” wrote one Redditor who regrets parenthood. “I feel like they are a burden...It’s all work. It’s all sacrifice...I’m emotionally empty and they’re going to figure it out sooner or later.”

No Sympathy From Fellow Parents. You’d think that parents would be understanding about it all, but they tend to be the least sympathetic of all. One interviewee from a YourTango article said it as such, “What’s odd about this predicament is that no one, least of all other parents, has much sympathy for you, even if you’re clinically depressed to the point of dysfunction.”

”I Died.” Many regretful parents, both male and female, mention that they feel like they have lost themselves in parenthood. As one anonymous Quora poster remarked, “There’s not a day that goes by where I am not deeply aware that my life is over because of them. When I see the hospital where they were born, I recognize it as a place where I died.”

Most Of All, The Guilt Is Real. Some moms don’t regret being a mom - only the kind of mom they ended up becoming. “I’m not the Susie-homemaker type,” wrote one Redditor. “Sometimes, that makes me feel incredibly guilty. But, I’m a good parent and I do well by them. They know they are loved.”

Many Hope Things Will Change. Writer Charlotte Hsu wrote about her regrets of being a mother in an article for Salon, and she was very straightforward about the difficulties she faced. “My husband and I are shells of the people we once were, but we can finally see glimmers of a better life ahead.” Her current writer’s profile seems to suggest things did get better, since it includes that she’s now “finally happy being a mom.”

Some Hate The Pretention. One Redditor who used a throwaway by the name of YesIreallyfeelthis said, “I find parenthood, or specifically motherhood unfulfilling and intellectually demeaning...I hate parenthood because it doesn’t have anything to do with my kid or any kid. It’s all about posturing, putting on airs and shows about what a good parent you’re being.”

It’s More Common Than You Think. A Facebook group called “I Regret Having Children” has gained more than 2,000 known members. “R,” the group’s creator, has mentioned that many parents follow the posts but do not join the group due to the huge amount of stigma. Many members have been threatened by “happy parents” because of the fact that they feel this way about raising their children.

Moms Often Mourn Their Pre-Baby Bodies. One poster on “R’’s Facebook group put it this way, “I feel as if my body and mind have been destroyed and that sexually, I no longer exist. I am completely a nobody...We haven’t had sex since October 2013...I feel utterly destroyed as a woman.”

Let’s Just Be Real - Parenting Isn’t For Everyone. The biggest problem that society seems to have is that it can’t cope with the fact that having kids won’t actually make everyone happy. Shaming or even threatening people who don’t fit the mom mold isn’t making things any better.

We Can Make A Change. A lot of the regret and problems parents face could be curbed by having a more understanding, sympathetic ear to the real struggles that parents face. If we as a society stop sugarcoating parenthood, a lot more parents would probably feel a lot better and many more would be able to make more informed decisions about having kids.

Have you met a regretful parent? Tell us in the comments below!